Am I brave? Yes? I don't think so... I always was a caitiff... I was never able to stand for my dreams or even for the words I'd said... All these past 10 years I'd rather sit there quietly with my face burning red than actually standing up and saying something to fight for myself...
Would I ever be able to look into 5 years old me? Oh God damn no! She would be so disappointed I couldn't bare to look at her eyes... She probably would cry even...
But how could I explain all this mess I've made? She wouldn't understand...
I was so idealist back then. I always thought that the world is the great, safe, happy place to be. I was a happy kid. I was never sad that my father left us and never even called, I was never sad that sometimes I had to wear my cousins clothes because we had to save money, I was never sad about my grandparents fighting with each other. I literally looked at the bright side of life.
And now... Now I'm the same as all these grown ups... I'm always rushing somewhere, wasting my energy worrying about stuff I shouldn't be worrying, lying, cheating, hiding secrets from everyone and myself too, making huge mistakes. Oh, how great my mistakes are now...
Back then my biggest mistake was spilling tea on the table. Now I'm lying almost everyday, shouting, hurting people, being rude, selfish. Oh, God, I even got in the car crash. And that's just because of my untamable arrogance (you know, all of them are losers, they have to take bus and I am so cool, I drive my car). BOOM! I hit another car just on the corner of my house. Now I'm so fine taking bus everyday. I dared to sit behind the car wheel only once after the accident.
Oh, I hope I could learn from my mistakes. I hope my mistakes could teach someone. I hope my 5 years old me could teach me and tell me when I'm wrong. She would know how.
Happy Monday, Everyone.
P.S. Try to listen to your 5 years old yourself. And most of all sometimes, just sometimes try to make him/her proud of you.
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